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Europe’s New Deal with Trump – Europe at Survival Mode
Ah, Europe. Sacred seat of art, romance, and pasta so buttery rich that one bite will reduce you to tears. But Now, you can go there too to play high-stakes game-of-nerves with Donald Trump, where heads of state will mingle to play “How Do We Keep This Guy from Blowing Everything Up?”
Last week’s episode from this tragedy comedy? The new trade agreement that all but screams, “Well, all right, we’ll clean up the pieces, just don’t wreck up no additional equipment.”
Europe’s Counterplan? Survival with a Side of Shrugs
When Netflix could have made a European diplomacy show, then Survive and Advance would have been a good name for that show. The subtitle? “At this stage, winning ain’t even a chance no more, just don’t knock yourself outta the series.”
Visualize Ursula von der Leyen and Emmanuel Macron as stormy football managers rather than potential presidents who keep one team at arm’s length with one whose porcupine arm just happens to belong.We have at this task.
Don’t touch quills with your foot.
Spoiler alert: They’ve at best not inserted an artery at this point.
It’s not quite a GPA boost to EU economy, though – that 15% EU product tariff isn’t quite doing anything to help anything at all. But all things being equal again, nor do we quite kill EU-U.S. relations dead with a stake to the heart either. Small victories all round then?
“Preventable Pain” Back to Life
In Ursula von der Leyen, as brilliant as a German spring morning, this agreement leaves us with “predictability” and “stability.”
Translation? “At last, we can accurately calculate just messed up we are.”
But if it walks up to your door via life (or Trump tariffs), then lemonade is keeping up its end. Were all-out do-everything Viking Europe imposing retaliatory tariffs on $100 billion of US-produced imports? Yes most likely so. Rationalising that as genius to do is all very like having plain toast at dinner and saying “mindful dining.”
And besides, who can manage to do a whole trade war when your plate is already full with Ukraine’s limitless crisis and multitasking with a nuclear-hungry Iran? Priorities, people.
Trump’s “Passion” for Tar
Back home by America’s coast, President Trump will still not be able to resist being infatuated with this bizarre affair with tariffs. Germany’s Friedrich Merz did best with a deadpanned remark that “tariffs hurt all.”
Sarcastle states there, Friedrich. Good grief original to a fault. Merz also let this pearl slip while writing about Trump’s affair with tariffs. “He loves tariffs.” Loves tariffs? How crazy is that like loving sunburns or road delays? “Ah, yes, tariffs. Just like snuggling a cactus—buy make it romantic!”
In reality, one should not reasonably anticipate debates with Trump about international economics to be anything but arguments with a toddler with fumes of citrus-flavored soda lingering around them. Good luck with those arguments sticking.
Keeping Trump in Check (Kind Of)
Whereas Europe reluctantly consented to this Band-Aid of an economic plan, they’re still good to play therapist to Trump’s foreign policy agenda. Where Ukraine is concerned, Europe’s agenda is at least half-heartily to continue to keep Trump busy to distract from Putin. The strategy? Rave reviews, groveling, and possibly interpretative dance. Bon appétit, NATO. Honestly, with Trump as part of Ukraine’s entourage is sort of like keeping a toddler busy at a 7-course dinner party. You can at least until later keep him occupied, but he’s just gonna go around cussing at his dinner guests sometime later.
Is The Crisis Over?
Of Course Not In reality this lousy trade agreement is only gonna Band-Aid at best? Experts, professors, and anyone who’s ever had to suffer through one of Trump’s press briefs all make one shared prediction: Nothing at all. The agreement never gets to conclude the book, and Europe isn’t writing this chapter until Trump chooses to make a bewildered sequel. Showtime Comes to Town CREST For European leaders at this stage, all that can do is pray hoping that he might survive being tightrope-diplomatic and at all times continue to hope that one morning this man will wake up and decide that he wants to rebrand this thing under a cool new name. What’s the great lesson, then? If you are European, maybe cross your fingers. Pray that there will be a miracle intervention by God. Definitely by next year’s rollercoaster ride, however, prepare yourself. Knowing Trump, it will not be with seat belts.
